DISSOCIATED PRESS, ALABAMA, 8/30/19
by Jen Martini
The mysterious owner of Cryptofashion LLC made what he believed to be an historic decision today in furthering Cryptofashion's goal to be "a valued corporate citizen."
"My employees and I have always been conscious about certain issues, and in our awareness of these issues, we really want to do our part and become a more sustainable company. Indeed, if more companies would take the steps we have taken, we'd nip this environmental crisis in the bud. Unfortunately, we've had a problem in our facilities, because of the amount of caffeinated beverages my employees and I consume."
When asked what great steps he had taken, he proudly escorted us to a small corner near the entrance of the facility and showed us a small wastebasket with what could be described as the worst handwriting this reporter has ever seen outside of her doctor's office. "Well, I was going through a box of junk at the warehouse, and I found this old small wastebasket. I took a Sharpie(TM) brand marker and wrote 'Cans Only -- Take When Full.' My employees do like taking their cans in [to recycling] for a few bucks here and there, they say it's due to the amount I pay them, but I got tired of looking at these cans in plastic bags waiting to be taken in. So now we're a sustainable company with a real recycling program."
When informed that sustainability involves considerably more than writing on a wastebasket, the shadowy figure grew agitated with us and said that he'd just "done more with a stroke of a Sharpie to save the Amazon Rainforest and climate change than you media types ever have," then had us escorted off the premises.